Financial Times Women in Business Forum
In this career advice surgery for the FT Women in Business Forum, Lauren Burton, a Leadership coach, answered questions about how to build resilience at work and beyond.
Lauren is founder of the Compassion Coach, which helps people develop by taking their emotional needs into account, and is co-founder of Lea_p Leadership, a London company that specialises in leadership development.
She conducts training sessions in leadership, executive coaching and team coaching and is the author (as Lauren Robinson) of Finding You: a Daily Practice for Fulfilling your Life.
In 2024 Lauren had to endure the death of her daughter, Jasmine.
Are some people more naturally resilient? If so, what can we learn from them?
I don't want to alienate people but, honestly, the answer is yes. However we have to acknowledge that we all start at different points. Some people might be holding trauma and if so, their nervous systems might be in shutdown or overdrive. They might be in "fight or flight" mode. So it is not straightforward. When you are under pressure it is much harder to be resilient. Sometimes we see people as resilient when really they are dissociating - not dealing with what is happening.
But some people do seem to show more resilience, so what can we learn from them? It is about accepting your capacity and being kind to yourself. To be resilient we have to be honest with ourselves about what we really need. It is about asking for help and getting the support you need. A big part of resilience is perspective. Am I choosing to see difficulties in everything, or do I also decide to acknowledge my blessings? Life is always a mixture of both.
I have a lot of experience in resilience. It is not straightforward or easy in any way. It is incredibly painful but there are skills that can help you to recover. To a certain extent resilience is learnt. If you practice it when times are good, then when times are difficult you can, with baby steps, make them part of your life.
How do we use calmer times to build resilience in the mid/long term?
Remember this metaphor: resilience is a muscle that needs to be worked to develop. It is like going to the gym: if you go only once a month you cannot expect results. Resilience is built through practices that make us stronger and which help us see a bigger picture.
Try to be in the moment, to be present, whether that's through meditation, exercise, drawing or painting. Find what works for you. Presence is key to resilience. To be with what is, is much easier said than done. Most of us spend our entire lives trying to distract ourselves.
Also take responsibility for yourself. Ask yourself questions. When should I seek professional help, perhaps see a therapist or a career coach? What is it niggling in my mind that I keep pushing down?
What am I scared of? Courage builds resilience. Being honest with what is really happening and what you really need. You can also try an activity that scares you, do something new, be with people who are different to you. Being vulnerable cultivates resilience massively - it is different for different people. But finding ways to get you out of your comfort zone helps you when challenges really show up. Get comfortable being uncomfortable.
Two years before my daughter died, I trained with Gabor Maté and learnt about a psychotherapeutic approach called “compassionate inquiry”. This examines childhood trauma which almost everyone has in some way. It nearly broke me but it taught me so much about accepting, and importantly sitting with my pain and discomfort. Without that training I would not have been able to sit in my grief [after my daughter’s death] and give it the space it needed.
Is there an SOS toolkit we can use when our "resilience muscle" is not enough?
A few things come to mind. The first, and this may sound counterintuitive, is to accept a situation. This can be hard and you might be unable to do it fully. But is there, at this moment, even a small part you can accept? Even just 5%? Accepting something is important to being able to move through it. It starts to create a bit of space.
The second thing is to be kind to yourself. When your resilience is low, you will be in a heightened state of stress. Your nervous system will be shot; you'll be in fight, flight, freeze or "dissociation" - a psychological term for disconnection from your surroundings and/or your experiences. The crucial message is: don't beat yourself up.
Acknowledge your feelings. "I'm feeling pain." "I'm feeling sad or I'm hurting." And that's OK. Ask what you need right now. Not for the day, not this week - but right now. This is especially true for more traumatic situations. People said to me after my daughter's death, "take it day by day" and I would think: "I don't know if I can get through the next minute." All we can do is the very next step so forget about the future, just focus on the now.
Finally, make a list of what you know will help. This could be getting out in nature, lying on the floor, having a bath, calling a friend. Give yourself that for however long you need it. Be really kind to yourself. You're going through so much and you will be exhausted.
How can we ensure our resilience doesn't waver? Does feeling burnt out mean we have used up our resilience?
The executive part of your brain, the prefrontal cortex, can only deal with a few things at once. You might be going through something at home, or you have the everyday stresses of money, mortgage, children and relationships. If you add in a work difficulty, you will be unable to deal with everything at once. Keep that up and you will burn out.
Sometimes people think resilience is the very British idea of "keep calm and carry on" but it isn't that. Resilience is about asking yourself: "How can I give myself what I need in this moment and be flexible?" "When do I have to stop?" Think of yourself as an elastic band, not a piece of rigid plastic.
Fundamentally if you are burnt out, you cannot be resilient. You will stop. Your body will give up. Before that point it will give you clues such as exhaustion, headaches, persistent illness. Your body is saying that you're heading for burnout. Remember that an important element of resilience is to ask: "Am I actually listening to myself?"
Resilience is the "shield" used by my company to pile responsibilities on to staff. How do we draw a line between our own resilience and the organisation's responsibility?
That is not resilience at all - it sounds like a toxic work culture. Such situations lead to high levels of burnout because people are completely overworked.
Your organisation's responsibility is to create a sustainable culture; one that values the human-ness of its employees. Your own boundaries are paramount. "Do I work in a culture that represents how ! want to live?" Or "am I in a culture that I don't really believe in?". "Where do I say no?" "Where do I
sav I'm not OK with this?"
In our society we martyr ourselves, we take on too much and are praised for it. Actually not everyone wants to live like this, or are happy living in these conditions. It's important to be honest about what we want and what we need to look after ourselves. That can be hard to do.
If your company doesn't support you, ask why you are making that choice. How can you change the situation? This is often easier said than done, especially if you're trying to pay a mortgage or rent and everything else. Seriously, consider your options. Company culture matters: a negative culture can impinge on your wellbeing.
As a manager, how do I build a more resilient team?
My first tip is to establish clearly what resilience means to you and your team. You may be on different pages. Ask "why do I need a resilient team?". "Am I trying to protect them from a toxic culture?" "Is it that people genuinely don't fulfill their potential?" These needs are different.
As leader or manager, you have to be ready for difficult conversations. These should not come from a place of judgment. They are about understanding where a person is coming from and letting them know the potential you see in them.
Do they block themselves? If you have someone who struggles with mental health or panic attacks for example, what is the conversation you need to have? Can you help them seek assistance outside work? What do they need to do their job to the best of their ability? What is difficult for them?
Another element of team resilience is to help each member understand what triggers them. This could involve regular self-development, so that people build up their skills. As a manager you would have to model this or get someone to support you.
I returned to work after compassionate leave and I feel my resilience has taken a hit. How do you rebuild after a difficult or traumatic event?
Remember that you won't be able to function like you did. You are holding so much that you could be going back at less than a 10th of your capacity. My advice is to go slowly. Be kind to yourself. Ask for what you need to be able to show up.
I took time off of course [after my daughter's death]. After a few months back at work I felt I was about to have a breakdown. I couldn't cope, so I ended up taking another two months off. That really helped. I felt guilty but my sanity and my family is more important than work. I needed to recover to a point where I coula actually show up again and be of service.
You have to put yourself first, even for a short time, and ask for what you need. Create the circumstances that will support you. We may feel guilty about things like this but do it anyway.
Talk to different people. Perhaps seek out those with similar experiences. Grief looks different depending on the scenario and person. Unfortunately it seems to be our culture that we don't talk about our reasons for taking compassionate leave. It is the elephant in the room and it can make you feel even more isolated.
Make sure you have people you can speak to, whether they have been through the same thing or they are people you are close to, Keep grieving. Grief rituals are important to help you keep that person "alive", to honour their life and to feel connected to them. Grief is a state that you learn to live with forever. By honouring our loved ones fully in their death, it helps us to live again.
As you go back to work, you will have to balance all these elements. It is likely you will fail sometimes or have days where nothing seems possible. It will take time to get the balance right and it will be different on different days.
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